Azorturia (Monday Morning Disease) – A condition brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work.
Big Name Trainer – Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children’s college funds and their IRA’s to support them as they have a direct link to “The Most High Ones” (Judges).
Colic – The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows
Colt – What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.
Contracted foot – The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one’s toes up right before a horse steps on your foot.
Corn – Small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots.
Endurance ride – The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.
Fences – Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over.
Founder – The discovery, of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like- “Hey, honey, I founder.”
Gallop – The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn
Gates – Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.
Green Broke – The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer.
Grooming – The fine art of brushing the dirt from one’s horse and applying it to your own body.
Hobbles – Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.
Hock – The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.
Horseshoes – Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.
Lameness – The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.
Lead Rope – A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag
Longeing – A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.
Over-reaching – A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season.
Proud Flesh – The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.
Quitter – A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.
Race – What your heart does when you see the vet bill.
Rasp – An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.
Ringworms – Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.
Sacking out – A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.
Saddle – An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.
Saddle Sore – The way the rider’s bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show.
Sleeping Sickness – A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.
Splint – An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.
Twisted Gut – The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.
Versatility – An owner’s ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.
Whip Marks – The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low-hanging branch go.
Yearling – The age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously
Zoo – The typical atmosphere around most horse farms.
