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A Horseman’s Vocabulary

Azorturia (Monday Morning Disease) – A condition brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work.
Big Name Trainer – Cult Leader: Horse owners follow them blindly, will gladly sell their homes, spend their children’s college funds and their IRA’s to support them as they have a direct link to “The Most High Ones” (Judges).

Colic – The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows

Colt – What your mare always gives you when you want a filly.

Contracted foot – The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one’s toes up right before a horse steps on your foot.

Corn – Small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots.

Endurance ride – The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.

Fences – Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over.

Founder – The discovery, of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like- “Hey, honey, I founder.”

Gallop – The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn

Gates – Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.

Green Broke – The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer.

Grooming – The fine art of brushing the dirt from one’s horse and applying it to your own body.

Hobbles – Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after their foot has been stepped on by their horse.

Hock – The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.

Horseshoes – Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.

Lameness – The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.

Lead Rope – A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag

Longeing – A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose of making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.

Over-reaching – A descriptive term used to explain the condition your credit cards are in by the end of show season.

Proud Flesh – The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.

Quitter – A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.

Race – What your heart does when you see the vet bill.

Rasp – An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.

Ringworms – Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.

Sacking out – A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.

Saddle – An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.

Saddle Sore – The way the rider’s bottom feels the morning after the weekend at the horse show.

Sleeping Sickness – A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.

Splint – An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.

Twisted Gut – The feeling deep inside that most riders get before their classes at a show.

Versatility – An owner’s ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.

Whip Marks – The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low-hanging branch go.

Yearling – The age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously

Zoo – The typical atmosphere around most horse farms.

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