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The following are our three favorites from humerous emails sent to us this past year from members and visitors. Thank to those who sent them, and to their unknown/anonymous authors. Got some good clean horse jokes? It's not too late to send 'em along -- we love 'em!
|"Horse-aholics Anonymous" - submitted by Denise Finley, Santa Rosa
Good Afternoon. I am a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of Horse-aholic Anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and don't really need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a horse-aholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a HA meeting for help. HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.
1. Can you say "sheath" in public without blushing?
2. Do you drive a big truck with a towing package when everyone else drives a real car?
3. Do you have more than one vehicle? One for you and one for the horses?
4. Do you spend your holidays going to shows, clinics and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
5. If you do go away, is it to a riding vacation in Ireland or to Spruce Meadows to watch the Grand Prix?
6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
7. Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
8. Is your interior decorator State Line Tack?
9. Was your furniture and carpeting chosen with your horses in mind?
10. Are your end tables really tack trunks with tablecloths thrown over them?
11. Is your mail made up primarily of horse catalogs and horse magazines?
12. Do you get up before dawn to ride? Go to horse shows? Clinics? (but have trouble getting up for "work?")
13. If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets? Do those pockets often contain bits of carrot, hay, or sweet feed?
14. When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of horse they have and pity them if they don't have one?
15. Do you remember the name of their horse sooner than you remember their name?
16. Do you find non-horse people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope. If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble. My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good horses and it will never be boring.
|The REAL Story - submitted by M.J. Perlick, Claremont
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be thoughtful.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL story........i
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in the woods, and we need to leave NOW.
When you are short tempered, let me teach you how to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react let me teach you that herbivore's kick MUCH faster than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet, because I don't FEEL like cantering on my right lead today, that's why.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness, GI complaint, and skin disease.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. I TOLD you about those lions in the woods.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200lbs of YAHOO-let's-go event horse can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let's do lunch. Also, breakfast and dinner.
When you are tired, don't forget the 600lbs of grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services, additional".
When you need to learn, hang around, bud. I'll learn ya.
|The Beginning Of The End - submitted by Debbie Wiegmann, Petaluma
A friend gives you a horse...
You build a small shelter...$750
You fence in a paddock...$450
Purchase small truck to haul hay...
$12,000 Purchase a used 2 horsetrailer...$2,800
Purchase 2nd horse...$2,500
Build larger shelter with storage...$2,000
Purchase 3rd horse...$1,500
Purchase 4 horse trailer...$7,500
Purchase larger truck...$18,000
Purchase 4 acres next door...$28,000
Build small barn...$16,000
Purchase camper for truck...$9,000
Purchase 4th & 5th horses...$4,500
Purchase 20 acres...$125,000
More fencing & corrals...$14,000
Build covered arena...$60,000
Purchase gooseneck w/living quarters...$32,000
Purchase 6th, 7th & 8th horses...$10,750
Hire full time trainer...$40,000
Build house for trainer...$54,000
Buy motor home for shows...$125,000
Hire attorney ? wife leaving you for trainer...$5,000
Declare bankruptcy, wife got everything.
Friend feels sorry for you...gives you a horse.....